Making Friends, Part 2
In my last post, Making Friends When You’re Dissociative, I lamented the fact that I had few, if any, friends over a large portion of my life. I protected myself by retreating inward and staying away from people, all of whom seemed scary. I was lonely but I didn’t know anything else. Being shy was my coping strategy. I created my own inner world and pretended I was okay.
More Coping Strategies
Many survivors with dissociative disorders use other coping strategies. Seeking out relationships with toxic people is another way to manage the fear of intimacy. If our childhood was chaotic, we may look for friends who mimic that chaos. If it was controlling, we may seek relationships that try to control us or that allow us to control them. In some perverse way, it feels comfortable, even calming, to be in an environment that reminds of us our early years no matter how difficult they may have been.
Romantic interests fall prey to this strategy, too. Years ago, someone recommended the book Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendricks to me. The author posits that we unconsciously choose our romantic partners to resolve childhood wounds. As you can imagine, that means we replicate the problematic circumstances of our past in the relationship choices we make in the present. Although my first husband appeared on the surface to be the polar opposite from my father, I discovered over time that his narcissistic personality traits actually matched my father’s very well.
Breaking Free & Making Friends
How do we break free from the patterns of the past to find healthy relationships in the present? I’d love to give you a list of “5 ways to make trustworthy friends” but, at least at this point, I can’t. The only way I know is by trial and error AND by taking those errors into therapy to figure out why we’re choosing the wrong person over and over again. It’s painful to live without good people who support us or with people who take advantage of us. It’s worth the pain to unpack those dynamics to find true friends and relationships we can count on.
Healing the Wounds That Hold Us Back
Whether our preferred protection method is to isolate and live without friendships or to choose the wrong friends who make our lives miserable (or both!), we deserve to heal the wounds that prevent us from having vibrant, healthy relationships. Our therapists are often the first people we can trust and, through them, we learn how to trust others who are trustworthy. Over time, we are able to let go of toxic relationships to make room for healthy ones. We are able to walk away from loneliness to find joy in friendships. We are able to heal the wounds that have held us back and step into the life we want.
We are social creatures and we need each other — even if we’re introverts! I’m worth it! You’re worth it! We’re worth it!
Let’s be friends!
Relationship Challenges
In my last blog post, I invited you to share your biggest relationship challenge. Here are some of your anonymous responses:
Thank you for this writing. It was especially timely for me and it soothes my heart.
Community is difficult for me, as is maintaining relationships. I find it difficult to speak to anyone anymore, let alone go to groups.
I alienated my long term best friend to the point where she no longer speaks to me. I would probably have dumped me also.
Help me build a list for making healthy friendships. What do you think are the most important ingredients? Click here with your thoughts. I'll share (anonymously if you wish) in my next newsletter.
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Friends are medicine for a wounded heart and vitamins for a hopeful soul.
~ Foundation for a Better Life
Lyn