5 Ways to Make Friends When You’re Dissociative
On the Fourth of July, my husband and I invited two single women friends to a barbecue at our home. Neither of them know my history although one of them knows I’ve had a troubling past. We had a lovely time and talked about things “normal” people talk about. They are part of a wider network of friends who are more like steady acquaintances to me. I appreciate having all of them in my life but none have become what I’d call the deep friend or BFF (best friends forever) that you hear about in social media. They satisfy my need for socialization but not for intimacy.
On the other side of the equation, I have a few deep friends with whom I can talk about anything. They include my therapist (yes, I consider her a friend), my husband, and some friends I’ve made in several communities I’ve been a part of. The bonds I’ve formed with all of these people sustain me even though, in some cases, I rarely see or talk with them. We’re profoundly connected over time and space by our shared vulnerability.
How did I get here? From a child and young adult who was terrified of people and had no friends to a person satisfied and at peace with their human connections?
5 Ways to Make Friends When You’re Dissociative
In Friends, Part 2, I said I’d like to give you a list of 5 things to do to make healthy, lasting friends but I couldn’t. There was no easy step-by-step method for making friends when your mind has been fragmented and your trust shattered. After reflecting more, I’m going to give it a stab. While everyone will have different issues to contend with when making friends after betrayal and loss, I think there are some common ones we all deal with. And, of course, it’s never easy! So here goes …
Do your work. Continue to do your therapeutic work in all aspects of your life: memory, identity, shame, relationships, grief, and more. Managing triggers is especially important because they sometimes cause you to push away someone who would otherwise be a good friend. Learn to observe people who trigger you to see if they are trustworthy or not. Sometimes the work is overwhelming but learn to ride the wave. Recovery is lifelong.
Love yourself. Yes, I know, this is a hard one. If you’re having trouble finding good friends who enhance your life rather than detract from it, maybe you need to go inside and make friends with all parts of yourself. Discover what you like to do, where you like to go, what makes you happy. Spend time with yourself like you would with a best friend. Loving yourself prepares you to know that you are worthy of healthy, supportive relationships.
Examine your choices. Who are your friends now? Are they trustworthy? Do they enhance your life? Are you happy when you’re with them? If so, take a step forward and tell them so — being honest may lead you toward greater intimacy. If not, take a step back. Is it time to set boundaries? Have a serious conversation? End the friendship? Sometimes it’s better to be alone than in the wrong relationship.
Say hello. Don’t be afraid to say hello to someone you think you like. Other people are shy too. You don’t need to end with hello, of course; you can start a conversation! The worst that can happen is they aren’t interested right now and the best is that you’ve begun what may become a new friendship. Your effort to connect might be just what they need to brighten their day.
Start over. If you’d like new friendships, begin with the four steps above. Do your work, love yourself, examine your choices, and say hello. Then up your game a little, as you are able. Use your interests to get yourself out there to find people who are interested in the same things you are. And most important, be gentle with yourself. Rome wasn’t built in a day! The friendships you deserve will come as your recovery grows over time.
So there you have it! These are the measures I took, over a very long period of time, to heal my relationship wounds, cure my fear of other people, and find friends who are trustworthy. I hope they will help you too. You are worth it. I am worth it.
Let’s be friends!
Relationship Challenges
In my last blog post, I asked you for the ingredients for making healthy friendships. One person responded:
I long for friendships with freethinkers who are genuine, accepting, and empathetic.
Can you add to this list? Click here with your thoughts. I'll share (anonymously if you wish) in my next newsletter.
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A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
~ Walter Winchell
Lyn