Making Friends When You’re Dissociative
“No one showed!” I cried through my tears, sitting in my living room, all alone. The crackers, cheese, and cookies sat uneaten on the plate I had carefully prepared. Who wants to throw a party when nobody comes?
Carol’s no-show was especially painfully. I thought we were friends. The mother of my youngest son’s best friend, she and I often chatted as we waited by the school yard. I liked her and I thought she liked me. Later, she told me some family situation got in the way, but that didn’t take away the sting. Clearly, I didn’t know how to have friends.
Childhood Friends
When I was a little girl, I had two neighborhood friends — Franny and Theresa. We played together in the alley between our blue-collar apartments. Franny was two years older than me so, once we started school, we drifted apart. Theresa went to Catholic school so we, too, had limited contact.
Progressing through elementary school, junior high, and high school left me with a handful of girly acquaintances but no close friends. I didn’t feel wanting because I didn’t know what real friendship was. I just floated through life with loose connections but no deep attachments. Hmmm … I wonder why?
Friendship Buckets
Some people, quite naturally, have a lot of good friends. Others, equally naturally, prefer just one or two long lasting relationships. I didn’t seem to fit into either bucket. As a young adult, I found navigating relationships terrifying. I was too sensitive. I took things too personally. People were scary. Eventually, I discovered I was … triggered!
Friendship Triggers
I wanted relationships. I needed relationships. I yearned for relationships. Time after time, over several decades, I took those triggers into therapy looking for relief from the extreme pain they elicited. Sometimes I wanted to crawl into bed, cover my head with a blanket, and assume a fetal position. Sometimes I wanted to enter a convent. Sometimes I wanted to die. I did the first (bed in fetal position) but not the other two (enter convent and die). Mostly, I confronted that trigger, plowed through that pain, and healed my terror of other people.
Healing the Triggers
Today at the age of 77, now that I fully embody the person I think I was meant to be, I fall into both friendship buckets — lots of friends and just a few that are long-lasting. (After all, I’m multiple, so why wouldn’t I be in both?!) I’m comfortable with lots of Carol-like friends who are nice but don’t always come through for me (and that’s fine) but am grateful for the few deep friendships that have passed the test of time. My therapist was probably my first real friend (okay, she probably wouldn’t agree from a professional perspective) where I learned how to trust. She prepared me for the intimacy I would find with a small group of people who continue to support and uphold me (and I, them) and, of course, with my husband who is my solid-as-a-rock friend.
True Friendship
True friendships make life worth living, but they require a level of trust that some of us have to work for. I can’t think of anything more important than “clearing out the cobwebs” of the past to make room for the friendships and relationships to come. It was hard, but it was worth it. I’m worth it. You’re worth it. We’re worth it. Let’s be friends!
What has been your biggest relationship challenge? Tell me about it in the comments below.
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Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.
~ Helen Keller