Remembering My Insiders
In the United States, Memorial Day is when we remember the fallen, honor their sacrifice, and give thanks for their service. Fortunately, I have no friends or family members who died in war. Yet I’m grateful that, at least until now, I have felt safe, protected, and sheltered from outside forces due to the vigilance and courage of our military.
Today, as we celebrate this holiday, it’s occurred to me that I have internal soldiers who deserve this same appreciation. As a person with dissociative identity disorder who considers herself both integrated and functionally multiple, I’m more than grateful for services rendered by all my insiders. Some of them have taken the abuse, some have cared for the little ones, some have embodied particular emotions, some have kept predators at arms length, and some have actually created new alters when things were getting hairy.
Back in the day, I often felt like I was in a war zone; in fact, one of the chapters of my memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory, is called “The Battlefield.” Without the bravery of my system that delegated different roles to different parts of me, I’d be just another casualty in a secret web of domestic conflict, control, and abuse.
Now, I live a whole and healthy life, mostly as one, but with lots of passive influence from every part who makes up or made up all of me. Many seemed to have disappeared (sometimes I think they’re asleep), some have taken on different roles, and some occasionally appear full-blown when they have something to say (namely Mike who holds my anger, appropriately, I might add 😇). Continuing with the war metaphor, I have a whole battalion living inside of me.
So in due deference to The Ring Around Rosie (my system), I hereby give thanks to all of me, especially:
Rosie, the tiny center of my system, who has grown into a beautiful human being
Nanny, who has finally retired and is resting somewhere in netherland
Little Lynn, who still has trouble believing it’s true but knows to stay out of the way
Laura, who will never give up loving her children (and all children)
Paula, who has dared to be me and, in so doing, has discovered she has emotions
Sylvia, who is just happy being married
Mike, who’s always ready to stand up for justice
Protector, who’s fulfilled his job
Black Night, who rode off on his steed, no longer needed
No Name, who’s taken the name of Sparrow and flies around effortlessly in our desert garden
Snake, who is no longer sinister but, rather, my finely tuned intuition
Devil, who held my shame, and has recently changed his name to Angel.
If you have parts, too, I hope you will take time to say thank you to each and every one, no matter how much trouble they may give you 🥰 or where you are in your process! It takes an army filled with love to heal the wounds of war. Be that love ❤️.
Happy Memorial Day!
🕊️
Without letting me know, my alters had completed what we all set out to do, on their own.
I’m one big puzzle that’s all put together.
~ Lyn Barrett, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory
Lyn