It Was Not Your Fault
Healing Without Forgiving: A Hero’s Journey for Dissociative Survivors will be published on January 13, 2026. Preorders will begin toward the end of 2025. To give you a sneak preview, I’m printing occasional excerpts from the workbook. Today’s excerpt comes from Chapter 2: A False Start, under the subheading It’s My Fault. Many people shared their thoughts and ideas with me and generously gave me permission to share them with you. This excerpt includes a short quote from Surita.
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Forgiving people who hurt us is complicated for people with dissociative disorders. Each of our parts may have different experiences, thoughts, and feelings about the person who offended. Our internal responses may seem confusing and conflicted, which is a sure warning sign that our system isn’t in agreement. It’s quite possible that we were told to keep our abuse a secret. We may have been told that it was our fault because we were so pretty or so pliable or simply so available. We might have feared harm for ourselves or our families if we talked about what happened.
When we forgive before doing the deep work of healing, we run the risk of believing the abuse was our fault. Our younger alters may have already taken that responsibility, and forgiving only compounds it. When we forgive alone, without our abuser acknowledging, apologizing, and making amends, our younger alters may translate that into meaning, “I’m at fault. I caused it. That’s why I need to forgive.”
Surita, whom we’ve met earlier, says this about taking responsibility for the abuse:
Decades of therapy have taught my adult self that I was only a child. Nothing about it was my fault. However, internally, my sixteen-year-old blamed the three-four-five-year-old because the little one liked being Daddy’s little princess and wanted his attention and the things he gave her. Through years of therapy, the teenager began to understand. The Little was simply being a little girl who loved her daddy.
It was not your fault. You were a child without power among the adults in your life. Don’t assume responsibility for what is not yours to own. Give that responsibility back to the people who own it.
📫 Last month I asked you how it felt to know you are a hero. What negative self-talk do you need to overcome when you think about that? What positive affirmation do you need in order to embrace your own worthiness? Tina responded with these thoughts:
I’ve been thinking a lot about my own hero’s journey while writing my memoir—and honestly, it’s like hosting a committee meeting in my own head. One minute I’m getting a pep talk, the next I’m being scolded, dismissed, or applauded like I just won an Oscar. Apparently, the hierarchy of my inner parts is holding elections. Maybe that is the whole point—the messy process of seeking cooperation and balance. Alright then… fine. I accept the chaos. Onward, brave traveler!
Good for you, Tina! You’re holding fast even as the journey gets tough. I love that your memoir is opening doors, not just for telling the story, but for healing.
With this blog post, I’ll ask a new question. Do you sometimes think the abuse was your fault? At some deep level, do you know that it was NOT your fault? Can you tell yourself that it’s NEVER the child’s fault?
Email me at lyn@lynbarrett.com with your thoughts and I’ll share them in my next blog post
2026 IS OUR ANNIVERSARY YEAR!
Put the year 2026 on your calendar as Dissociative Writers celebrates 5 years of existence. We hope you will participate in some of our activities. Keep alert to more information about the coming year. Happy Birthday to us!
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For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.
~ James 2: 13
Lyn