Denial
Denial is a companion we know all too well. We are sick of it, we want to say. But we have to whisper it, since there are so many inside who are still tangled around denial and we do not want to make them feel unwanted. We care about those people inside so much, even as they try to convince us this isn’t true, it can’t be true. We know they are terrified and trying to protect us. ~ from a longer piece by Jayden
I used to think that denial was a dirty word. Years ago when I learned of my first husband’s affair, I went into shock. That’s when I learned the word in all its crusty connotations.
I was in denial, I discovered through gasps of pain and inner screams. I totally missed all the signs that should have told me he was unfaithful. How stupid could I be? Being in denial was an admission of weakness, of stupidity, of being gullible to the nth degree.
The affair was the trigger that sent my heretofore unknown system into accelerated decompensation. I became hyper-vigilant. No one was going to surprise me again. I would banish denial from my lexicon. I would be the superwoman who could see all, know all, perceive all.
Over the course of time, I’ve learned that denial isn’t my enemy, as much as I may want it to be. I see what I want to see. I know what I can handle. I perceive what makes sense at the time. Indeed, my system was built on denial in an effort to hide what I never wanted, couldn’t handle, and made no sense.
Denial, in fact, can be a life saving effort to keep the ship afloat when I’m at risk of drowning. Jayden’s beautiful writing encapsulates the conundrum of denial: we don’t want it but we love those parts of ourselves who use it to keep us safe.
They say dissociative disorders are the hidden disease. We hide our trauma even from ourselves. When we’re diagnosed, we don’t believe it. When we have memories, we think we’re faking. We make excuses for our families, but never for ourselves. Denial runs deep to protect the small child who has to believe they are loved. Sometimes, as with Jayden, denial is a special role for some of our little ones.
According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, denial is the first stage of grief and we have experienced so much to grieve. I like to think I’m not in denial now, because I’ve done so much inner work and the hidden is now known. But let’s get real. We’re always in some kind of denial! It’s our mind‘s natural protective response that allows us to manage life.
So, as of today, I’m befriending denial. I will continue to work hard to unearth whatever needs unearthing. I will walk through life with my eyes open. But, on occasion, I’ll give thanks for my ability to wear blinders whenever I need them!
Healing Together Friday Night DW Dinner
Are you attending An Infinite Mind's 2024 Healing Together Conference on February 16-18 in Orlando, Florida? If you are, please email Lyn here so we can invite you to our Friday Night Dissociative Writers Dinner at the Laguna Restaurant. Gabby, Sharri, Kim, Suirtaplus, Gymmie, and Lyn will be presenting this year. Click here for more information about the conference. we hope to see you there!
DW Team Offers Healing Together Workshops
Saturday, 1:45-3:15 pm
Where Were You, God?" by Rev. Lyn Barrett, M.Div., M.Ed+
(will not be live streamed or recorded) Have you ever wondered where God was while you were being abused? What do you want to say to your Higher Power? Do you have hard questions on your mind? In a safe, unrecorded space, we'll share and act as support people for one another without judgment. This gathering is open to anyone who has a faith in God, Allah, Elohim, Higher Power, or any other name used to refer to the Divine.
Saturday, 5:30-6:30 pm
Healing Words by Kim Elbirt PhD, G.Y.M.M.I.E., Suritaplus
This workshop will introduce participants to writing as a healing craft. We will begin with a mini-writers workshop, then facilitate a discussion with participants and Dissociative Writers about what writing means for us on our healing journeys. Dissociative Writers now offers weekly traditional and writing-in-place workshops, a community platform, self-published writing anthologies, and monthly social hangouts. Our vision is to provide a safe space to support one another in our writing and use the creativity that helped us survive to tell our stories.
Sunday, 10:45 am-12:15 pm
Let’s Get Real – Coping with the Tough Stuff; Improving Internal Communication and Self Compassion by Kim Elbirt PhD
People who have developed dissociation and DID often have parts that engage in behaviors once necessary for survival, that become identified or are experienced as distressing, frightening or extremely disruptive to the functioning of their system. These may include disordered eating, substance use, self-harm, elopement, and suicidal thoughts, urges or attempts. This workshop will address ways to build internal communication, cooperation, and self-compassion, and provide an opportunity to develop an initial health maintenance/crisis plan and rights/responsibilities list for participants to build a foundation for addressing these behaviors/experiences to promote safety, stability, and healing within their system.
Rising Above Illusions: Decoding Ongoing Contact and Demything Perpetrator Groups' Power in RA/MC by Sharri Burggraaf
*This session has the potential to be very triggering to some attendees. Please leave the session as needed for self care. Drawing from her 30 year personal journey of liberation, Sharri sensitively unravels the complexities of RA/MC and the power perpetrators claim, making it simpler for others by unveiling illusions, dismantling deceptions and sharing her discoveries. She delves into the nuances of ongoing contact, profound impact of proximity, and exposes fear-induced covert techniques, interactions, and psychological conditioning, challenging the myth of perpetrators being “all knowing”. This gripping exploration with the valuable insights she shares of what she discovered that would have accelerated her recovery had she known these empowering truths, offers hope to unarm the power abusers have over survivors.
Sunday, 1:45-3:15 pm
Healing From Toxic Shame by Gabby Sacks PhD
Shame is a universal, sometimes useful emotion. But what happens when shame becomes toxic? Childhood sexual abuse can cause you to internalize shame, along with messages like, “I am bad” or “I am worthless.” This kind of shame insidiously infects every aspect of your adult life, from your self-perception, to your relationships, to your entire worldview. You can learn to challenge your shame-based messages and free yourself from toxic shame. In this workshop, I will share my personal journey from shame to self-worth using my psycho-structures and music, and suggest ways to let go of shame.
January & February Events
Tuesday, January 30, 1:00 pm Eastern: Traditional Workshop (Sharri)
Wednesday, January 31, 8:00 pm Eastern: Evening Writing-in-Place Workshop (Lyn)
Tuesday, February 6, 1:00 pm Eastern: Writing-in-Place Workshop (Kim)
Wednesday, February 7, 8:00 pm Eastern: Eastern Writing-in-Place Workshop (Lyn & Surita)
Monday, February 12 DW BUSINESS MEETING CANCELED DUE TO HEALING TOGETHER CONFERENCE
Tuesday, February 13, 1:00 pm Eastern: Traditional Workshop (Sharri)
Tuesday, February 20, 1:00 pm Eastern: Writing-in-Place Workshop (Kim)
Wednesday, February 21, 2:00 pm Eastern: Social Hangout (JJ)
Wednesday, February 21, 8:00 pm Eastern: Evening Writing-in-Place Workshop (Surita)
Tuesday, February 27, 1:00 pm Eastern: Traditional Workshop (Sharri)
🕊️
Denial is the ultimate comfort zone.
~ David Goggins
Lyn