Healing
Last week, twelve members of Dissociative Writers met in a focus group to talk about our individual hopes for our healing and how forgiving our perpetrators may or may not be a part of that. Looking back, the conversation evolved into a two-fold purpose: to enable each of us to heal a little further by claiming our voices about this important subject and to help me conceptualize areas of the book I’m writing, It’s Not About Forgiving, It’s About Healing.
I’m incredibly grateful for the people who came out and shared honestly about their thoughts and feelings on this topic. It will take awhile for me process it all but, for now and with the permission of the participants, I’d like to share a brief synopsis of that gathering. What I share here will not encompass the full depth of conversation but, hopefully, will share some breadth.
Healing Intentions
If healing is the larger task, I wondered what our visions were for our futures. In my book, I call this our “intentions.” When we set intentions, they lead us forward in that direction.
Some of our intentions shared last week were expressed positively, such as having greater individuation, greater autonomy apart from our abusers, all parts pulling in the same direction, being in the here and now, healthy relationships in the present and not contaminated by the past. One person talked about realizing their significance, being a self, allowing themselves to feel all their feelings without drowning, and working through black and white thinking, including the concept of forgiveness. Another person spoke of finding peace at not forgiving a specific abuser, while finding forgiveness for others. Some of our intentions were expressed as reducing symptoms such as being less scattered, experiencing less terror, having fewer interruptions in thought, or fewer migraine headaches.
Is Forgiving a Part of Our Intention?
I also wanted to know if forgiving perpetrators was a part of peoples’ intentions. The majority of folks said it was not. Some had forgiven early in their recovery and then “took it back” or equivocated the more they remembered about their abuse. Some had no interest in forgiving and found power in claiming their anger, “dancing on his grave” or creating “revenge fantasies.” One person noted that babies can’t forgive so how can we expect our systems to come to consensus on forgiving? Another person noted that they had different forgiveness responses for different perpetrators and wanted to understand that better. Still another gave the act of forgiveness over to God, as something that was not humanely possible. Several people have forgiven their perpetrators through their faith in Jesus Christ. One person claimed forgiving her abuser(s) as a part of her intention and referenced a cartoon she was given by a mental health provider that showed someone dragging a ball and chain behind them, which represented life without forgiveness. One person said, “My end goal is to feel and live healed. It is not about him. I released him long ago.”
The Language We Use
I explained to our group that many people describe end points in healing similarly but some use the word forgiving and some, pointedly, do not. I was interested in hearing what other language we might use to describe our healing intentions. Our group suggested the words disentanglement, unmeshed, releasing (the perp), taking back power, compassion, acceptance, letting go, giving ourselves what we need, and change of heart. These words represent the sense of peace that all participants long for and are working hard to achieve.
In my work with Dissociative Writers, all the people I have come to know, and all the friendships I have made, I am deeply moved by the bravery and honesty each one brings to our collective table. I will continue to listen to each of you as you share with me your thoughts and feelings about your healing process. It’s my intention to represent you and all of us authentically and accurately and attempt to offer “another choice” in our recovery work. Healing, with or without forgiving, can lead us toward the fullness of life that it ours to claim.
Thank you!
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December Events
Tuesday, December 5, 1 pm Eastern: Traditional Workshop
Monday, December 11, 6:30 pm Eastern: DW Business Meeting
Tuesday, December 12, 1 pm, Eastern: Writing-in-Place
Wednesday, December 13, 8 pm Eastern: Evening Writing-in-Place
Tuesday, December 19, 1 pm Eastern: Traditional Workshop
Wednesday, December 20, 2 pm Eastern: Social Hangout
Wednesday, December 20, 8 pm Eastern: Evening Writing-in-Place
Tuesday, December 26, 1 pm Eastern: Writing-in-Place
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Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.
~ Tori Amos